Let me start this post by saying I know that my body isn’t perfect. There are parts of me that I am insecure about (mainly my stomach/abs). It is the first thing I look at in a picture, in the mirror, etc. There are also parts of me that I love. My arms, my legs, my butt (while it may be a little ghetto-fabulous-its a sign of all of the running). I have worked hard over the past few years to get to a “happy” place with my body. I can do full body pushups. I can run 26.2 miles without stopping. I lift weights. I go to yoga.
Most people who have known me for a while have said this is the best they have seen me look in years and I would agree. Mostly. My “best” years were when I was 18. I was a size 4 and weighed under 120. I lived for tae-bo and the sugar busters diet. College came around and I put on the weight quickly. I believe I was up to a size 10-12 and pushing 160 or more. Getting the weight off was hard. It started slowly after college and I was somewhat happy with my weight (at least I thought I was) until I started running. I noticed the sizes getting smaller and the scale going down. But that damn stomach has barely budged over the years. I partly blame genetics (everyone in my family carries their weight here).
I am probably the most active (not the skinniest) out of all of my friends and should rock my body with confidence. But I don’t. I still compare myself and see my flaws. I try to not let it bother me. It is very hard when that is all society seems to talk about. I eat right. I pretty much gave up all things that tasted good in order to not gain weight while training for Big Sur. I could tell I lost a little but damn you stomach…you have barely budged. The last three weeks of hectic work, weddings, and vacation didn’t help but I have a plan. It was going to be blog post later this week, but I am meeting with someone to get my body fat percentage, resting metabolic rate, and nutrition plan. I want to make sure I am eating the right things and get down to an ideal weight for me. I have been worried that maybe I don’t eat enough. But again, I will find out on Friday.
So that leads me to yesterday. My self esteem hit the lowest point it has been in a while.
I went to my new gym, Urban Active, to sign my paperwork (opens end of June). The personal trainer, Alex Moore Jr, saw me in my workout gear (headed to Pure Barre) and asked if I was ready to work. Say what? I explained I was going somewhere else and only had 15 minutes. Note-personal trainers tend to bug me and be over bearing and cocky. This one topped them all. He asked me to sit down to schedule an appointment. He quickly asked my goals. I tried to explain Run Less Run Faster and that I was already getting things checked on Friday and that I was good. He immediately said we can test your body fat, come on back here. I got on the scale (and freaked-oh lawd at the booze and food over the past 3 weeks), give him my height and I hold up that damn handheld body fat tester. I was really upset by the answer. How in the hell did it go up 6% in 2 years?? I have been working my ass off!! This cannot be from 3 weeks of less than stellar working out. Is it possible to go up when working so hard??
Alex told me that age was a factor (yeah, apparently 30 is old), that just by LOOKING at me he could tell where I carried my weight and it needed to come off and that my running is off by the way I walk and by my weight. I turned red and realized he was looking at me and judging me without knowing anything about me. He told me I needed to lose 25 lbs and that I NEEDED 2 days a week of personal training in order to lose weight and meeting my running goals. He told me I was weak. He could fix it all. For the amazing price of $280 month. I snapped and explained I have other financial obligations and that I am doing okay without him.
Hey asshole. You didn’t even let me finish telling you my goals. You didn’t even ask what I did currently. You basically called me a fat ass. I need to lose 25 lbs in my stomach? Say what? I obviously want to join a gym to stay healthy not to just watch the monthly charge hit my bank account each month. He some how talked me into scheduling my “free” 30 minute evaluation. I was so frazzled and upset. I left feeling defeated.
I went to Pure Barre and stared at myself in the mirror for an hour judging and critiquing my body. I replayed that damn conversation over and over again in my head. How dare he? I called back and canceled my appointment and complained about how he handled the conversation. Women do not need to be told in such an insensitive way what they need to fix.
Bottom line. Today I feel beat up. I feel fat. I feel sorry for myself again. I feel self conscious. I hate that feeling. I hate that some meat-head personal trainer had that affect on me. I hate that I let it. I hate that I carry my weight in my middle. Stupid insecurities.
I won’t feel sorry for myself for long though. I will get my nutrition and exercise right. I will find out what is “right” for me on Friday. I will implement Run Less, Run Faster and kick ass on my next races. I will rock an outfit that shows off my arms and legs and feel good about myself. You jerk-off personal trainer Alex will not keep me down. I won’t let you. I will prove you wrong without paying for your overpriced sessions. I have the drive and motivation to do so on my own. I bet your sorry self hasn’t run a marathon. I’d love to see you try.
If you stuck around for all of this, thanks for letting me vent 🙂